kairosclerosis
by januarylightsphere
Summary: sometimes we have to break before we can shine - n/touko, ferriswheelshipping.


**kairosclerosis** \- the moment when you realize you're happy

 **disclaimer:** pokemon, fortunately, isn't mine.

 **pairing:** n/touko - ferriswheelshipping.

 **notes:** i just want to write ferriswheelshipping even though the fandom has already been abandoned. why does my characterization of the heroine is —- so destructive? I've been playing pokemon bw and bw 2 and I need to vent out my feeling.

 **reassurance needed:** somehow i feel i shouldn't have posted it.

* * *

He's kind of beautiful and charming with green eyes and runaway smile, but you're better than him, so you don't let the fact matter.

You storm through the entire Unova region, a mess of empathy and concern and bravery and wit, all positive traits that emphasize your beauty. You're skinny, so skinny, and nobody you know has ever seen anyone thinner. Your face is angular, your chin is pointed, with blue eyes and a stream of brown hair and everybody wants to help you, wants to be by your side, wants to be your friend, everyone needs you.

(occasionally, when his talk isn't involved in liberating pokemon, he asks. 'don't you get tired of being wanted and needed all the time?" and you remember answering coolly 'shouldn't it be your feeling, your highness?')

x

He's the king of team Plasma, but you're everybody's heroine and queen and they may love you as much as they hate him - or people may love you two and hate you two in equal measure, and you don't really care, you never care.

(you can't care.)

x

He sees you and you see him, but you like to pretend you don't. You're the heroine and he's villain (because he cannot be anything but that); you're the queen and he's king; you're the savior and he's destroyer, all of which make him beneath you, so beneath you that even the devil must look down to see him (and his green eyes and runaway smile).

You wonder what's wrong with you, that you're so beautiful yet so dead - you wonder why no one ever understands. You live your life like every day is your last, like you're not afraid of dying. Everyone else says that you're brave, that you've got the fire in your soul, that you were born to be legends, like all heroines you've heard of names that used to save the world, that you're much better than team Plasma because you're fearless and beautiful in your own destruction. The truth of the matter is that you're just more in tune than most people with the fact that you're slowly dying everyday - but you cannot die yet, can you? Because you've got team Plasma to fight, _him_ to fight, Pokemon to save, the world to save.

It's no use telling anyone that, though, and you're not sure how they'll react. Telling them you don't really want to save the world will make you a betrayal, telling them you're tired will only give you assurance, not understanding. So you just let them make you into their heroine, their savior, their queen.

(but they've never been beneath you really, except that they think they are, they believe they are, and what are people but products of belief and flesh and blood?)

x

He doesn't care about what anyone else believes, though, because he's got his own belief, written in the stars and the pokemon's thoughts he can read so well and that has nothing to do with his being King of team Plasma. The truth that he's N is on par with the fact you're Touko and you can't deny the utmost relief that someone doesn't expect you to be the heroine, that someone wants you to be just Touko, even if you think you've forgotten how.

("But I don't mind you being my queen.''

''If you defeat me, I'll consider that."

\- N understands, you think, how awful lonely it gets to be above everyone.)

x

You're the queen and he's the king, but you're also Touko and he's also N and you can't help but love him a little for that. You could have anyone. You've never had trouble getting what you want, not when Cheren gave in to your request almost too easily and Bianca simply adored you. The thing is, you've never really wanted anything. Until him.

It's terrifying and it's horrible and it's crazy and nobody understands but most of all, you can feel and you can care when it has to do with him and that's the most refreshing and wonderful thing to ever happen to you.

(you don't want to lose it.)

x

"Don't you get tired of being wanted and needed all the time?" He asks you.

"It's a killer." You reply.

He understands.

(and you really don't.)

x

This is how your story begins - he's no longer a king and you throw your crown away to chase after a boy with green hair and runaway smile.

* * *

 **notes: if anyone ever reads it this far, please drop a review.**

 **Such a long time since I last wrote for Pokemon fandom.**


End file.
